For everything there is a season-Ecclesiastes 3:1

"I'm trying to learn, however, that my limitation, whatever it may be, is a gift from God, and it is with this gift that I am to serve Him. This gift and not another. This is true of all of us, whether our limits are emotional, physical, or intellectual. Paul was so bold as to say that he boasted in his weakness for it was in weakness that God's power was revealed in him (2 Cor. 12:9)."

I think the hardest part through my dystonia journey has been the waiting. The anticipation of the unknown. The waiting for results. The waiting of what will be.

It never fails. It always takes two or three people to help get my blood.

One to help me hold still. another to take the blood.

And of course one always backs out when they see me jerk and hand it to the next person.

But we get it done! 

As I set waiting to meet with a neurosurgeon Tuesday all these emotions where going on.

What if he can help? What if a simulator can help me become "normal"? What if there just are no more answers? 

What will I do?  How will I feel? Will I give up? Really, that would be the easier thing  to have done years ago, right?! 

All I want to be is a full time teacher with a degree. 

"You work?" "Yes!" "Someone hired you? Wow!" 

OR

when handed the speech reports WHICH by the way I was so proud of UNTIL the loving neurosurgeon wouldn't even take them and added a "I don't need that. Why would I care if your going to speech? I don't care. It doesn't help me any!" 

All my hard work suddenly felt like everything but an accomplishment.

 That proud moment suddenly went away.

Maybe it will come back again but just not right now. 

That moment where you walk out with disappointment. 

That overwhelming feeling in your heart like "Why does trying even matter?" It didn't matter to our neurosurgeon. Why should it matter to me? 

The last few days have been a struggle. As I dived right back in to speech yesterday although I truly wanted to be a 'no show' and just quit. I didn't. Amanda, Haley, and Blake have all worked as hard if not harder then I have trying to help me. There's no quitting on them. After all they haven't quit on me. 

                        

Meet Haley, Amanda, and Blake. The three standing behind me in the fight with dystonia. 

I think these pictures speak louder then any words could ever. 

The plans Jesus has for my life are so unclear at this moment. 

I know that he shows me his unfailing love through the eyes of children.

Bringing my eyes right back to him.

Bringing my heart right back to him.

I am reminded that while dystonia brings some brokenness some days...

My journey has been full of little fans cheering me on daily! 

If I could only see myself through a child's eyes. 

When you have no idea what tomorrow will hold.

Though you can rest that when your on Jesus's team you'll always have an army standing behind you.

A friend to pick you back up and to pray with you when you have no words left to pray.

I wish I knew what tomorrow held. The doors that will open. The doors that will shut. I don't.

I'm brought back to that day where I gave my whole life to Jesus Christ. 

It was a quiet Sunday. The song "I need you Jesus" playing. I don't think I have ever been so broken before in my entire life as I was right before I asked Jesus to come into my heart. 

Life hasn't always been cookies and cream but Jesus has always seen me through. 

The toughest of times.

I'm brought back to the cross and the moment when he gave his life for me. For the hard times I would face in life. 

I may not be okay today and I've learned that's Okay. 

"It's okay not to be okay"

She's a smart women who I admire daily more and more,

Pray that Jesus gets full glory as we are still on a journey that grows me to be weary sometimes.

I know without a doubt that Jesus loves me. He promised me that he'd never leave nor forsake me. I literally have nothing else to do while I'm waiting to just serve Jesus in the hallway. That is so hard. 

I'm clinging to the promise that he will return one day and when he does all will be made right. No more sickness. No more heartbreaks. 

While this week has felt like the race is finished. It's not just yet. I'm slowly learning I don't get to make that call. He does. 

"I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for you are who you are no matter where I am."

Red Light-Green Light

One Direction...

From the time I started driving I have herd my Dad try and give me what he calls "simple directions", but really there not that simple to me.

"Go right and trun on rick road"

Well where's rick road at?

Life is like navigating a GPS, right?

You always have to be on the look out and listen or else you'll get lost.

What happens when there is no clear directions and the way becomes unclear?

Turn right! No turn left! 

There suddenly becomes a dead end. 

Having Dystonia feels JUST like that. 

Do this. No do this. Oh wait but lets go this direction first.

Just yesterday we counted over 20 medications that have failed.

Did you count to twenty outloud?

That's twenty heartbreaks.

Over fifteen Neurologist and Movement disorder doctors 

Add another fifteen heartbreaks.

The list goes on and on...But you get my drift.

We've hit a couple what feels like dead ends with "What next?" 

Is there a next?

What if next never comes.

Is that the end to this journey? Did I just spend half of my life fighting for something that is always going to be a dead end?

Walking away wasn't suppose to come at age twenty-four! 

You've to have another medication. 

Just one more,

Let's talk BRAIN SURGERY where we give you a 50/50 chance

Let's what? Come again?

How could this suddenly become our last option? 

This wasn't suppose to become an option because we (My doctors and I) were suppose to fix this. Cure this.

Here we are with no cure. No fix. 

Maybe I got ahead of myself and excepted a doctor to cure it.

I don't feel so brave.

I feel tired. Drained. Emotionally drained. 

I'm not so sure I know what to feel right now other then just drained.

Be careful what you say to others because behind that smile, behind that laugh is someone struggling to get through the conversation with you.

I am fully conviced that dystonia is of the devil.

It comes to rob, steal, and kill. 

Maybe not kill physically but emotionally.

Last night I set in my room at 1:00 in the morning praying to Jesus that he would just come sit with me face to face for two minutes. 

Oh how I long for his return. When all of this becomes a journey of the past. A journey that suddenly will not matter any longer. 

I'd like to think that what will matter to me then is that I'm with Jesus. 

Not so much that I am dystoina free.

This morning during speech therapy with Blake (Which is amazing) I vented more then I have in months to anyone. Setting aside working on some challenging speech tools to share my heart with him. I think he wanted to cry but then smile but then just tell me it was going to be alright. That this medication was going to end in side effect free. That a simulator would work. He couldn't. He just couldn't.

I sure hope so because right now I feel like there is gaints that are defeating me at EVERY door. 

I'm not sure what direction to take or what the right answer is. All I know is that my heart is breaking. Like breaking a lot. 

I know this for sure Jesus never said life was easy. He didn't. He never promised Chelsi Christman wouldn't have dystonia, end up in a wheelchair, have onset parkinson's, but oh he has promised never to leave nor forsake. What I go through. He goes through. When my heart hurts. His heart hurts greater. 

I don't understand the race that have to race all the time. If I did I wouldn't need a savior. All I know is I'm ready for his return.

I am ready to hug him face to face.

Until that day comes I will serve him.

I WILL serve him.

I WILL praise him in the storm.

I leave you with this...