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One Direction...

From the time I started driving I have herd my Dad try and give me what he calls "simple directions", but really there not that simple to me.

"Go right and trun on rick road"

Well where's rick road at?

Life is like navigating a GPS, right?

You always have to be on the look out and listen or else you'll get lost.

What happens when there is no clear directions and the way becomes unclear?

Turn right! No turn left! 

There suddenly becomes a dead end. 

Having Dystonia feels JUST like that. 

Do this. No do this. Oh wait but lets go this direction first.

Just yesterday we counted over 20 medications that have failed.

Did you count to twenty outloud?

That's twenty heartbreaks.

Over fifteen Neurologist and Movement disorder doctors 

Add another fifteen heartbreaks.

The list goes on and on...But you get my drift.

We've hit a couple what feels like dead ends with "What next?" 

Is there a next?

What if next never comes.

Is that the end to this journey? Did I just spend half of my life fighting for something that is always going to be a dead end?

Walking away wasn't suppose to come at age twenty-four! 

You've to have another medication. 

Just one more,

Let's talk BRAIN SURGERY where we give you a 50/50 chance

Let's what? Come again?

How could this suddenly become our last option? 

This wasn't suppose to become an option because we (My doctors and I) were suppose to fix this. Cure this.

Here we are with no cure. No fix. 

Maybe I got ahead of myself and excepted a doctor to cure it.

I don't feel so brave.

I feel tired. Drained. Emotionally drained. 

I'm not so sure I know what to feel right now other then just drained.

Be careful what you say to others because behind that smile, behind that laugh is someone struggling to get through the conversation with you.

I am fully conviced that dystonia is of the devil.

It comes to rob, steal, and kill. 

Maybe not kill physically but emotionally.

Last night I set in my room at 1:00 in the morning praying to Jesus that he would just come sit with me face to face for two minutes. 

Oh how I long for his return. When all of this becomes a journey of the past. A journey that suddenly will not matter any longer. 

I'd like to think that what will matter to me then is that I'm with Jesus. 

Not so much that I am dystoina free.

This morning during speech therapy with Blake (Which is amazing) I vented more then I have in months to anyone. Setting aside working on some challenging speech tools to share my heart with him. I think he wanted to cry but then smile but then just tell me it was going to be alright. That this medication was going to end in side effect free. That a simulator would work. He couldn't. He just couldn't.

I sure hope so because right now I feel like there is gaints that are defeating me at EVERY door. 

I'm not sure what direction to take or what the right answer is. All I know is that my heart is breaking. Like breaking a lot. 

I know this for sure Jesus never said life was easy. He didn't. He never promised Chelsi Christman wouldn't have dystonia, end up in a wheelchair, have onset parkinson's, but oh he has promised never to leave nor forsake. What I go through. He goes through. When my heart hurts. His heart hurts greater. 

I don't understand the race that have to race all the time. If I did I wouldn't need a savior. All I know is I'm ready for his return.

I am ready to hug him face to face.

Until that day comes I will serve him.

I WILL serve him.

I WILL praise him in the storm.

I leave you with this...